Uncomfortable Question

In the years spent living in Indonesia, the hardest question I'm yet faced with is this: "Why would you choose to live in Indonesia?"

Whether it is asked by Saudis, Indonesians, or any other nationality, (and maybe I’m too sensitive about it,) but my ears always catch a derogatory tone in their curiosity.

When I ask them why they want to know, I often hear these assumptions:

• Indonesia is a downgrade from Saudi.

• If a Saudi could move anywhere, she’d upgrade to something better than Indonesia (and Saudi).

• It’s unconventional. (Let’s call it that, to be polite.)

I could’ve told them that I like getting on my bicycle every morning for coffee and quick errands. I could've told them that I like taking pictures and write in Indonesia. I could’ve tried explaining about the absence of anger. Or the abundance of kretek cigarettes. Or the smell of damp Indonesian grass; if grass could have a nationality.

What I really want to say is that, “I'm here because I have to; I love this place.”

Actually, if those answers fail to satisfy, then nothing would. But it still breaks my heart every time; because I feel like I’m doing this love much injustice by failing to answer properly. It really does.

If you were in my shoes, what would you have said?

Tough Job

When the job was assigned to him, the angel of death wept. "Lord, this is a tough job."

The Lord said, "Dying is not an end to living. Dying is a relief. Dying is an act of worship. Your job is to help them actualize that ultimate act of worship."

And the angel toughened up and went back doing his noble job.

Beyond

You know how we question our choices only when it’s too late?

After asking the Timekeeper about accepting the world as it is, I risked getting severely offended by asking him, “Are you saying that my life in Indonesia is defying gravity? That MY UNCONVENTIONAL LIFE HERE HAS BEEN NOTHING BUT AN EGO OVERDRIVE?”

“Absolutely, because you talk without the walk.” *laughing pause* “Nawh, I’m just kidding. Get off the floor. I get my kicks whenever you doubt yourself like this.”

Bless them elders who know exactly how make you feel stupid without saying so.

“Look at your basic needs. Before intimacy and love, before needs of self-actualization can be fulfilled, you must feel safe and secure. You didn’t have that in your old life. It’s not just the ego that made you fight for your unconventional life. It was the natural next step.”

If anything could prove his point, I look at my writings. I mean, haven’t I been better at talking about needs beyond security and safety since I repatriated?

PS: No, Ben, I’m not referring your deadlines.

Gapapa

Aku bilang bahwa aku lebih sayang ama Timekeeper.

Dia bilang, “Gapapa.”

…bahwa aku ga bisa masak, agak autis dan ADD.

Dia bilang, “Gapapa.”

…bahwa aku berantakan dan takut mandi.

Dia sempat tersendat ragu sesaat, tapi akhirnya bilang…”Gapapa juga.”

 

Sekali-kali aku pengen nanya ama dia, ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?

Segitunyakah?

 

Tapi, well, biarpun otaknya salah belah, it’s in my favorite color, man.

ngusap²

Waktu kecil, kalo ibu mendengar Ade atau Anggi nangis, pasti langsung teriak: “Yayaaaaaaa…usap-usap adiknya!”

Ga peduli apa dia menangis karena lompat dari atas lemari atau karena belajar sunat sendiri, pokoknya yang pertama diteriaki ibu ya mbak Yaya. Emang sih, Ade pernah pitak-pitak karena Yaya sisirin. Anggi juga pernah ga bisa tidur siang & nangis seharian karena gulingnya Yaya buang ke tempat sampah. Dua kali.

Tapi abis itu GA LAGI KOK!

Anyways, job desk sebagai anak paling tua, selain langganan menyiksa adik, juga jadi agen hiburan mereka. Seperti yang ibu teriakin itu, kalau adiknya nangis kudu ikhlas disalahin. Kalau adiknya nangis kudu dibujukin, diusap-usap & dibekep dalam sumur dicium sampai diam.

Sialnya, kebiasaan² itu kebawa sampe gede.

Sampe gede juga tetep kepikiran gimana caranya menghibur adik. Meskipun (rasanya) makin tua tugas jadi kakak jadi makin nyebelin.

Nyebelinnya; karena sekarang, yang niatnya mau ngehibur, malah jadi ribet. Niatnya mau nyenengin, malah jadi berantem. Kalau dulu ditepuk² aja bokongnya udah meneng, sekarang malah makin sewot. Kalau dulu dikrecekin mainan udah lupa, sekarang dikipasin majalah pria...ihh, Yaya yang males megangnya!

*manyun*

Ben pernah cerita tentang John Hopkins. Salah satu latihannya berupa katarsis massal: rem emosi dikosongin ampe blong, terus dimuntahkan semua. Berikut borok, lendir dan nanahnya. (Ga kebayang gimana rasanya jadi obyek latihan seperti itu.)

Yaya nyebutnya kentut. Soalnya marah seperti kentut; kalau ditahan malah bikin sakit perut. Marah yang disalurkan rasanya seperti api di pabrik kertas: Merembet kemana², tapi semisal bahan bakarnya abis, atau tiba² hujan, ya sudah. Byar-Pet.

*mikir*

Emang mestinya begitu ya? Daripada berusaha ngebujukin, mending didiamkan aja. Biar saja mereka puas²in nangis & marah² sendiri. Daripada jadi budek atau ikutan gedek.

Atau, minimal, diamkan sampai nangis. Karena kalau saat dia sudah nangis, mengusap-usap dirinya juga lebih sayang. Kapanpun dia mulai nangis. Secara, antara kakak-adik kan wudhunya 'kan tidak batal. Jadi bisa meluk, mencium, ngusap-ngusap kapan aja dia siap menerimanya. Sampai kapalan. Sampai saling memberi kesaksian di Hari Nanti.

Amin.

Ben

Itu namamu.

Dari kata benedict. Atau Big Ben. Atau putra, dalam bahasa Ibrani & Arab.

Seandainya dikasih, aku pengen menamai anak dengan nama itu. Tapi untuk sementara, kamu boleh pinjam.

Biar nggak lupa. I've the memory of fish, you know?

(◑‿◐)

Asal

Kata Ben, semua cerita-ceritaku bermuara di sebaris kalimat.

Kata Ben, sebaris kata itu sudah ada sejak kali pertama aku (kembali telaten) mencatati wahyu.

Mungkin karena kalimat sebaris itu wahyu pertama. Seperti “Let there be light.” Atau, “إقرأ.” Atau, “Saya terima nikahnya.”

Atau karena kalimat itu lahir saat halaman maupun penulisnya sedang kosong sekosong-kosongnya, sampai gemanya lancar mencapai ribuan kalimat berikutnya. Lalu membingkai semuanya dalam angguk mafhum terselubung.

Karena, bagi pencatatnya, kalimat sebaris itu adalah cahaya asal sejak mati terakhir, dan suara pertama setelah lama hening, dan awal kepasrahan setelah lama melawan.

“Yang dikasih diterima. Yang tidak jangan diminta.”

 

PS: Mungking blog sampingan ini perlu ganti nama: www.kata.ben.com -- *muntah* -- Okay, sorry, ga jadi.